Are you afraid of the dark?

So generally I carry a pink case of pepper spray when I walk Lola. And though I've never been attacked, I've always wondered "what if...?" Especially here where muggings are as common as a pair of fake boobs in LA. Usually I won't walk Lola at night unless J comes with, but even then, what would happen if we ran into some roving band of machete-wielding crazies? My little vial of pepper spray would totes not come in handy. Which brings me to what I found yesterday, the perfect companion for a nighttime dog walker slash late-night metro rider slash garbage-taker-outer:

LOL. Terrifyingly brilliant, and in the ranks of Monty Python comedy in that the guy demoing it acts like it's just any another normal invention, like a potato peeler or a high-speed onion chopper. I mean, usually those stocking stuffers in the "men's wardrobe" section of Target around the holidays always have some sort of 5-dollar flashlight doo-hickey (i.e., flashlight slash compass slash beer bottle opener). But with this invention you not only have a flashlight, you've got a SEMI-AUTOMATIC HANDGUN and -- best part of all -- when folded up it fits in your back pocket! I'm dying over here, people. Dying. What's next? A can opener that doubles as a ninja star? Waaaait a second....