How not to hit on a woman

Just in case you were wondering, this is not hot. In fact, it's quite terrifying.

The other day on my way back from the gym I stepped into one of four elevators in the lobby of my building. A normal-looking-enough guy stepped in behind me. I don't ever get awkward in situations where strangers strike up conversation (be warned: usually I'm that stranger), so naturally I didn't think twice when he asked how I was doing. We were neighbors, after all, albeit separated by seven floors.

"How're you doing?" he mumbled as he got on.

"Fine," I responded, Lola in my arms. I was still wearing my workout clothes, no makeup, hair pulled back.

Customary elevator silence.

"I need to say this. You're beautiful," he said. "A beautiful woman..."

"Oh, haha. Thanks," I said. "I just got back from the gym, but thanks for the compliment."

"Yeah, well, you're very beautiful." Pause. Apparently he'd been staring at me out of the corner of his eye. Creeper. "...Tight..." he said out loud to himself, and with that he began leering at me up and down.

"Heh..." was all I could manage to muster.

This wasn't a hot Don Draper-esque come on. Not that I would have reciprocated that kind of come-on anyway (I'm married, people). Instead, it felt predatory. Like an I-think-you're-beautiful-and-want-to-wear-your-skin-as-a-mask-in-a-cellar-surrounded-by-mannequins kind of predatory. In other words, it dawned on me he seemed a little cray cray. I've watched Silence of the Lambs enough to know about these things.

At this point the elevator suddenly seemed way too small to fit the both of us. My eyes flitted up to the digital numbers passing each level. All I could think was: "I don't want to put any lotion in anyone's basket. If he gets close to me I'm roundhouse kicking his head off. Not like this elevator would be big enough for my leg to freely swing around at the 50mph+ it would actually take to seriously hurt him. But I could try..."

He continued to stare at me full on. Smiling. Like I was some diamond-studded Faberge egg in a store window that he just had to have to store the molars of his victims in. I kept my eyes on the numbers above us. As I deliberated the physics of my leg mid-kick in the elevator, the doors parted. Freedom. Whew. I began to step off into my empty 10th floor hallway and heard him take a step toward me as I left.

"Shit! American Psycho, anyone?" I thought, as I realized that my long curved hallway looked exactly like that one in the movie that the naked Christian Bale ran through with his chainsaw.

What if he follows me out? I didn't want him to know where I lived, but it's not like I had anywhere to go 10 floors up. The concierge in the lobby downstairs felt so far away. Afraid he was going to follow me out into the empty corridor, my eyes darted toward the stairwell. But then what? I get trapped in a stairwell with a potential rapist? Yeah, great idea, Crystal.

"Can I call you or something?" I heard him say, his hand holding the elevator door open. His question was direct, more like a demand then a question. Did he not see the ring on my finger? I mean, it's not like you can miss the thing, the cut of the diamond picks up every hint of light in its presence. But I suppose this wasn't something men like him cared about.

"No!" I half-yelled as I hurried down the hallway. I heard the elevator doors close and looked over my shoulder and...

He wasn't there. He had stayed in the elevator. Thank God.

Men, take note: Picking up women is a two-way street. There is a huge difference between borderline sexual harassment and a little harmless flirting that scores you a phone number. Maybe the Crazy Elevator Guy was actually just a lonely, normal man looking for love. But his tactic not only seemed desperate, it creeped out the girl involved. And now he will forever be known as Crazy Elevator Guy. (Something tells me he's earned this name with more than one circle of women.)

"If you talk to a woman on an elevator and she is giving you one-line answers or stock uninterested/unengaged answers, probably not a good idea to hit on her," J opines. "To do so is like jumping into an ice cold swimming pool when you are looking for a hot-tub. You're going to walk away with shriveled testes."

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Many men these days take either one of two approaches:

• The shotgun approach to picking up women. Hello, you're not a caveman anymore and I'm not on display at a strip club. Telling me I'm beautiful? All right, that's cute. Especially if you ease up and leave after I tell you I'm married (This has happened to me more times than I can count and you've got to hand it to the men for having the guts to do so in front of an entire audience of Border's coffee-goers). Whistling at me from across the street slash honking as you pass by? Not a big deal; will elicit a smile and a head-nod acknowledgement of my awesomeness. Telling me I'm beautiful and then standing there leering at me and assuming I'll give you my phone number afterward? Caveman behavior that deserves a lonely, celibate life. A little discreetness goes a long way.

• The "I'm amazing approach". These men are so infatuated with themselves they think "I'm awesome, so she must be in to me by default." Sadly this is not how it works. Generally these men also think dressing well, owning a snazzy sports car, getting reservations at Dorsia and bantering on about their ivy league educations will earn them major brownie points. And for some women it will. But, if you're still a jerk with all these toys and accolades, then others will see you as a pretentious asshat who needs to get over himself.
  

Basically too many people think it's about putting yourself out there no matter how you do so, but most of it is being perceptive to how you are being received. And believe me, it's not so hot when you are being received as a human flesh-wearing psycho. Or the newest member of the Crazy Elevator Guy club.

Money and marriage, the women's edition

A few months ago I blogged about steps women could take to protect themselves financially if faced with divorce, or even worse, a spouse's untimely death. Some people liked the article, but most felt that I had a negative view of marriage and allowing one's self to fully depend on their spouse in a marriage. Quite the opposite.

As a woman, safeguarding your assets (to a degree) or money savvy talents does not mean that you don't trust your partner, don't love them with all your heart, or see a relationship demise as an inevitable thing. For the record, I believe in true love, fully trust my husband, and am beyond a romantic sap (I've seen The Notebook 20 times and still cry every time).

Which is why I was happy when I came across an Oprah article trumpeting "What Every Married Woman Should Know About Money." Like Oprah says, "No one wants to live as though she's just waiting for her relationship to implode, but you should know that there are simple, effective—and not at all hostile—ways to protect yourself…just in case." Some of her tips are the same ones I wrote on:

Carry your own plastic.
If every bank account and credit card is in your husband's name, you will be a financial nobody without him. Before you do anything else, open a bank account and get a credit card in your name.

Read the fine print.
Look over all tax returns, investment agreements, real estate contracts and legal documents carefully. Get a credit report annually so that there are no surprises in your family's debt situation.

Define what's yours, mine, and ours.
A postnuptial agreement can protect assets accrued after the marriage, such as an inheritance. Make sure that you're listed on the deed to your home as joint owner or that the house is classified as community property.

Don't give up bill-paying duties.
Sometimes women who aren't working feel uncomfortable participating in financial decisions. For your protection, be aware of how the money comes in and where it goes out. Some couples take turns paying bills on an annual basis.

Get to know your financial advisers.
Attend any meetings with an investment planner, lawyer or accountant. Should there ever be a problem, you'll have the network you need to make important decisions.

Make plans for the future.
Make sure you and your spouse each have adequate life insurance, a will and a living trust. Consider putting aside money for long-term care (women tend to outlive men). Don't neglect your own retirement—if you and your husband file a joint return, you can contribute up to $4,000 a year to a spousal IRA.

Keep your professional hat in the ring.
Even if you plan to stay home for good, maintain your networks and stay in touch with colleagues. Whether through divorce or widowhood, the odds are real that you'll be financially responsible for yourself again. At the nonprofit Women's Institute for Financial Education (WIFE, wife.org), they have a slogan: "A man is not a financial plan." It's the truth. [Oprah.com]

Married and money-mindful? Don't make these mistakes

After you become engaged, your life as a woman tends to evolve into a whirlwind of finding the perfect flavored wedding cake, stunning wedding dress, and color coordinating the table centerpieces to the brides' maid dresses to your bouquet to your wedding invitations to possibly the grooms men's boutonnieres ... oy! (Wow, did I just say that?) It can all get very overwhelming, and with all these little details leading up to the big day, many couples forget the most important detail to keep in mind ... the one that will stand as a pillar before and after your big day: your financial life as a twosome.

If you've had the financial talk, that's all fine and fabulous, but none of us ever want to think that all those twinkling white Christmas lights, glasses of expensive champagne and unending toasts made to the rest of your life could ever end in something ugly like, okay I'm just going to come out and say it: divorce.

I'm not a pessimist (at least, I think my glass is half full...), but from many stories I've read lately, it seems that women, and men to a lesser degree, tend to lose their financial selves once the walk down the aisle has been, well, walked. Usually it's women who tend to think that the stone on their finger casts in stone some promise that the man in their life will always look out for the family's financial well-being. In a perfect world this would be true, but the rates of divorce in the past decade or two have shown that relinquishing responsibility, for co-balancing the family checkbook or researching the best accounts for the family's savings among other things, could have dire financial repercussions on a woman if the marriage goes awry.

Unfortunately, there comes a point in some couples' lives when "the honeymoon" is officially over. Sigh. If you're not prepared to deal with the consequences of having forfeited your knowledge of where you are on the family money map, you could end up penniless and confused, with nary a credit score to your name (more on that in a second).

Pop quiz: Who's more likely, the husband or wife, to give up their career to raise the kids? Even though it's 2008, men still make more on average than women, so it's the wives that generally end up staying home with the brood of bambinos. And there's nothing wrong with that. I think it's a great thing if you have the freedom to swing it, but being up to your ears everyday in pacifiers, burp rags and reruns of Sesame Street doesn't mean you should acquiesce your responsibility of being on top of money matters.

I'm not sure when this became an "either/or" thing. Why do so many of us view it as an "I-take-care-of-the-kids, you-take-care-of-the-finances" deal? Is it because there's a belief that the person bringing home the money should also be the one in charge of it? If you're the stay-at-home mom or dad, you've earned a right in the say of that money too. After all, you work hard in a different way for the good of the family -- you just might not have a biweekly paycheck to prove it. But that doesn't mean your daily work, or you for that matter, should be a lesser voice in financial decisions.

I've heard it said that one of the biggest mistakes women can make in a marriage is walking away from their careers. I say to each his own. It's a personal decision that every woman has a right to make and that should not be judged. The feminist movement advocated giving women the option to have a career and family, not to make it the standard. So I wouldn't say leaving your career for the sake of the family is a mistake, per se, but I would say that giving your husband (or wife) full control and responsiblity of the family's finances is.

If you've noticed that you've lost track of the last time you really looked over the household bills or expenses, retirement balances or savings account totals, now is the perfect time regrab one of the reins and steer that horse together as a team, not just a second rider! Once a month, set aside some time with a cup of coffee and a notebook and list out all the accounts you two have set up (mutual funds, savings, checking, credit cards, etc.) and keep a running tally of how each account is holding up. It will give you a good, clean snapshot of where you stand as a couple and how much further away, say, your financial goals stand. Believe me, from the personal stories I've heard, it's better to be informed in this way than to realize the family savings have dwindled to near zero or that large portions of paychecks might not be getting deposited into the accounts you two agreed upon (i.e. hidden accounts). Not the most desirable info to find out, but it happens. Don't forget to also keep a running list of reoccuring bills, insurance policies and wills.

Oh and don't give up your credit card just yet! Be aware that if you cancel all your credit cards and add yourself onto his cards, it can be very, very hard to earn back all that good credit you accrued in the first place if the marriage ends in divorce. Why? An additional person on a credit card is looked upon as simply an "authorized user" by many companies, which means that after a period of time goes by and you want to apply for a credit or a loan by yourself, all those years as an "authorized user" will not have accumulated any credit history for you. In a way your credit status would be similar to a college student with a blank slate of borrowing history. Obviously this means that if you apply for a credit card or home loan, for example, without having held a credit account for more than six months in your name, than you'll be unable to have a credit score calculated for you, which means buh-bye to any credit line with a reasonable APR or spending limit.

I think the best solution to cover your credit in case of a disastrous event like divorce is to split the number of credit cards you two have, so on half the cards you're the primary account holder while on the other half you'd be the "authorized user." Same goes for him. That way you're still sharing your accounts, with no hidden agendas or "I-want-to-keep-this-part-of-my-life-separates" (you're married after all, doesn't that mean sharing everything?), while setting it up as an insurance policy of sorts on each of your credit scores.

And don't forget to keep saving for retirement, even if the breadwinner is saving for the two of you. If you are juggling a career and family, contributing to your company's 401(k) and/or a personal IRA should be a must on your to-do list. Saving on the side is especially important for the stay-at-home spouses who might work or run a small business from home and really have the ability to sock away savings in the case of an emergency. Look into contributing to a spousal IRA if you're unemployed or work sporadically.

Women statistically spend more than they save, so I know the temptation to take whatever extra cash you have and put it toward fickle purchases may seem okay in the short term, but if you don't put aside a little here and there for your future, it could have disastrous consequences, divorce aside. If something horrible happened and one of you had high hospital bills or disabilities that insurance would not cover in total (which is often the case), your retirement savings would be one of the first places you'd inevitably pull money out of to pay the bills, after your savings account and emergency fund are depleted. Saving as an individual, along with as a couple, gives you extra padding and ease of mind in case the unexpected occurs.

And if a divorce is on the imminent horizon (sigh), don't just ask for the house and think that will solve all your worries. According to insurance company Nationwide, "Studies show that women suffer more financially than men when a marriage ends." They cite that:

• A quarter of all divorced women in America live at or below the poverty line
• A woman’s standard of living decreases anywhere from 27 to 45% in the first year after a divorce while a man’s rises by an average of 10%.

So say you got said house in the divorce settlement. Would you be able to continue paying the mortgage on it with your single wage? If you gained sole custody of your children, would you have the time to work enough to make house payments while putting food on the table and also paying for childcare (since you won't be around as often)? These are all questions to consider when you've reached the end of the line.

Marriage is a fabulous thing, and I can say that from first-hand experience. Though it's only been about a year in for me, I'm happy with my decision and glad I married someone who although may be opposite of me in some ways (think Jane Fonda and Robert Redford in Barefoot in the Park), we still see eye to eye on the important issues such as career, family and money. Just remember to be open and honest with your joint accounts and expenses, and to work as a team on your financial matters and decisions rather than as a driver and passenger!

Cheap, Fun Date Ideas (Part 2)

Welcome back to making your dates tres chic without going broke. Read on!

Ideal Scenarios versus Creative Solutions (Part 2)

Ideal Scenario:

Napa, anyone? After a weekend of wine-tasting and gourmet dinners every night, and delicious fruit and crepe breakfasts every morning, you and your Love have decided to play hooky from work (wait, you co-own your own multi-million dollar company, you can do whatever you want!) and bask even longer in all the visual and hedonistic delights that Napa has to offer. On an unsuspecting Tuesday morning, you two decide to rent vintage red bicycles and peddle through the rolling Napa vineyards that drape the surrounding hills. As the crisp, coastal Northern California fog grazes past your face, kissing the orange Hermes scarf off your neck and onto the side of the small, two-lane road, you look over at your Love and think "I'm so happy I saved for the early part of my life, so I can afford this lifestyle now!"

Creative Solution: First thing's first: You'll be happy you saved, regardless of your Napa valley sojourn, Hermes scarf and all! Now onto a more realistic day for the two of you (for now): If neither of you own bicycles, rent them on the cheap. No matter where you live, from the deserts of the Southwestern United States to the corn fields of Idaho, I believe everyone lives near a setting that would be perfect for a romantic bicycle ride. What's that? You live in the Bronx? Break free in the 'burbs, just 20 miles away. The key to this date is to not get complacent with where you live -- every place has some kind of beauty to it, and why not experience that with the one you love, on wheels? It's even better when there's neighboring areas you lovebirds have yet to explore, and once again, it's a fabulous workout. There's no better way to burn calories than pedaling along undiscovered terrain with the apple of your eye. To add an even more romantic twist, rent a two-person tandem bicycle! Some might call is cheesy, but I call it classic. To get more ideas on where pedal your little hearts out, visit www.trails.com.

Ideal Scenario: On a whim, you two decide to jet off to the city formally known as Edo (Tokyo) for a romantic weekend full of cherry blossoms, Kabuki, and ... sushi! Although both of you have always had fresh Japanese sushi flown to your front door from Osaka, not to mention Kobe beef from, you guessed it, Kobe, the two of you have never ventured to the East. "You only live once," you two say, jumping on your private Learjet embossed with "The Lola" on the tail. After "The Lola" arrives on your private landing strip outside of Tokyo, the two of you are chauffeured into the bright lights of the big city, finally sitting down to enjoy a delectable spread of Hosomaki, Nigiri and (of course) fresh homespun Sake. Cheers!

Creative Solution: Cooking is not a lot of people's bags, but you'd be pleasantly surprised at how much fun it can be when you share the cooking experience with the one that lights your fire. The best place to start on this palatable pursuit? I think sushi is a fabulous place to start, and what's better, it's actually lot easier to make than you'd think. First off, you'll need the proper ingredients and dishes: Cost Plus World Imports (www.costplus.com) has a cheap selection of simple and/or ornated sushi dishware (Love and I recently took up this date idea, and spent a total $26 on enough sushi place settings for four people!). While you're there, wander over to the food section -- they have an excellent variety of sushi ingredients and sake on their shelves for a fraction of what you'd pay in a restaurant. Hand-rolling sushi with your Love can be romantic and fun; feeding each other starry-eyed and in amore can be even more so! And, as an added bonus, you can use all that money you would have spent on "The Lola" and put it toward your next international food date night. Forget the Swiss Alps when you can make a cozy pot of swiss fondue and eat cross-legged on the carpet, using the coffee table as your dining room du jour to create an intimate setting. Always wanted to visit New Delhi? Keep that dream a reality, by saving now and making Indian food on the fly (Trader Joe's has fabulous Indian food ingredients that take a second to make and are dirt cheap).

Ideal Scenario: Your close friend Oscar (de la Renta, do you even need to ask?) just named his newest bikini line after you, which means you get samples of all the new designs, of course. Just in time, too, because you and yours are currently lazing under a giant straw umbrella on a white sand beach in Cancun, as you tan in Oscar's latest design. The two of you toast with your Pina Coladas to what a fabulous get-away vacation idea Cancun was as the warm, aquamarine ocean stretches out infront of you to the horizon. Remember those Corona commercials where the couple tosses their ringing cell phone into the ocean? Yeah, this is just like that, except better.

Creative Solution: Having grown up in California (and will settle there after Love graduates from what could have been Stanford), I was lucky to always have easy access to the beach. It was a part of my daily life and I loved seeing the ocean everyday in some capacity. I realize, though, that everyone isn't as fortunate to live on any sort of coast. What about all the inland savers? This will sound positively ridiculous and you won't get an ounce of a tan (it's really not that good for your skin anyway), but head to your nearest Target! With the summer season almost upon us, Target has pulled out all the stops and cordoned off an area for patio furniture -- don't let it go to waste! For a funny, quirky, why-are-we-doing-this-except-to-laugh-at-ourselves date, if you two ever find yourself padding around Target on a routine visit for the essentials (toilet paper, dvds, soap -- you know the drill), why not stop by the patio furniture section for a little breather? Better yet, grab a couple slurpees from the food counter, take a seat in a padded outdoor loveseat under one of the display awnings and veg out. You'd be surprised at how fabulously lush Target's managed to make some of their better displays (running water fountains, fake plants, etc.). Aside from giggling together at how ridiculous you two are, it may actually be a great time to look over what's in your cart and dually surmise as to whether all that junk is really necessary. Even though I'm sure it's a great movie, do you really need that copy of "Big Trouble in Little China" just because it's $5.50? Didn't think so.